Nov 18, 2015
As a feminine woman who identifies as queer, I experience daily erasure of my identity from both the heterosexual world and from the queer community. A lot of folks assume that because I present as feminine, and because I am with a cis hetero man, my life experiences prior to my relationship are erased. I came out to my parents when I was fifteen, and I was lucky to have never been chastised by them.
Unfortunately, that did not save me from the torture of being queer in a small southern town in which the main pastimes were going to the rodeo, cooking meth, lots of statutory rapes, and going to church. It was an enormous relief when we ended up back in my hometown of St. Petersburg, Florida, but then I was too feminine to be taken seriously as a potential partner in a lesbian relationship. When I was able to date other femmes, most of our dates ended up with men trying to pick up my girlfriend and assuming that I was just the fat friend. I ran into the same erasure as I came into my own as a femme living in Portland, Oregon. I am an assertive, confident femme who is attracted to all genders, but I was never masculine enough to attract other femmes.
Three years ago, I fell in love with a cisgender heterosexual man who would prove to stay with me through thick and thin. It is difficult to be with him at times, as I am still very attracted to other women, but also very aware that I cannot be in a polyamorous relationship, and he most likely couldn’t function well in one, either. When people think about queer/bisexual/pansexual women in a relationship with hetero men, they typically assume it’s going to be threesomes with other women all of the time. They hit on us and think that we are an easy target under the assumption that bisexual people are non-monogamous.