Overcoming The Trauma of an Abortion

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… When I found out that I was pregnant, I knew immediately that I had to have an abortion. I struggled with the idea and wrestled with my intense desire to be a mother. You see, there are few things that I know I am meant to do in life.  I do know that I am meant to nurture and be a mother, regardless of whether or not it ends up being my biological child. When you pair that deep desire for motherhood with a desperate, toxic love for another person, things get really sad and intense. The only thing that I knew to do was self-destruct. I sabotaged any semblance of a healthy pregnancy by immediately going to the local dive and submerging myself in a bottle of whiskey…

… Even though I knew what I had to do, it hurt. I thought of every birthday that I would not see. I wondered if they would have the nasolabial folds that were so prevalent on ASL’s paternal side, or my grandmother’s cheeks, which my cousins and I inherited. Would the child have been tall with a wide build like me, or short and lithe like their father? Would it have blonde curls like mine, or ASL’s thick, dark mane? Would he sing songs to them in German or Finnish? How would I split the time between his parents and my mom during holidays? Should I raise them without a designated religion, or as Jewish, like their father was raised? …

… The abortion had to happen, regardless of how much it pained me to say goodbye to my fantasy …

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